Football Please!?!?!

Roger Goodell, DeMaurice Smith, thirsty owners and opportunistic players, lend me your ear!  I can appreciate you all agreeing to come to the table like adults to find common ground (I’m looking at you U.S. Senate and the would-be Deficit Reduction Committee), but really? 132 days into this God-forsaken NFL lockout, and not one of you is concerned enough about my tickets, watch parties and unconscionable Beltway Rivalry (I “put on” for the Ravens and Skins….don’t judge me) to forgo “constructive conversation” and come to an agreement already!?

Sure, sure, I understand the need for both parties  to come to terms on a collective bargaining agreement and for the players who will be sacrificing their bodies and health to fill their bosses coffers for the next ten years to be prudent and thorough in reading and comprehending said CBA, but c’mon!  This dispute is between some billionaire owners and millionaire players.  Thousandaire fans like myself Cannot. Relate.

Besides, with my favorite teams (well one of them) needing all the pre-season help they can get and me waiting with baited breath to fashion my 2011 – 2012 Fantasy Team, this lockout, hold out, gobbledegoop needs to end post haste!  Trust me, there is only so much Professional Bowling as an alternative that I can take!

 

Messy Celebs, Sloppy Seconds & Why The World Is Too Darn Small!

Lawd, it’s like a ride at Disney World!

I think this story is a prime example of what we all have come to learn about the celebrity drivel that we are inundated with from day to day; it can be so outlandishly preposterous that sometimes we find that tabloids and gossip columnist aren’t even creative enough to make it all up.  Just ask Charlie Sheen.

Heck, ask Elin Nordegren.

In probably the worst and most twisted adaptation of Wife Swap known to man, the raunchy kissing and telling from Tiger Wood’s ex-mistress (yet again) has led to the further embarrassment and devastation of his ex-wife.  After being caught up in the media whirlwind surrounding her husband’s philandering with a multitude of “virtuously vacant” women, many cheered when Elin filed for divorce, got her $100 Million settlement and jet-setted off quietly into the night.  Unfortunately for Elin, moving on with her life and with a new beau has come at an even higher price.

Apparently weeks into her new relationship with billionaire marketing exec boyfriend Jamie Dingman, Elin learned that her filthy rich financier was just plain filthy and had a bit of a history with her nemesis, Rachel Uchitel aka The Mistress Ringleader who starred in last year’s Tiger Wood’s scandal.  The creepy Twilight Zone history in question was that Dingman and Uchitel had a liaison or two (or ten) before his relationship with Elin, and likely around the same time Uchitel was canoodling with Elin’s then husband, El Tigre.

But while we are hissing and booing at Uchitel on one hand for shamelessly helping to ruin a marriage while making her hootchie-mama ways profitable (tabloid features, Celebrity Rehab and that little $10 Million hush money from Tiger), and being embarrassed for Elin on the other, at the nasty discovery that she’s fostered relationships with the same two (count ‘em, two) men as the most popular home-wrecker in America, there is only so much sympathy that I can offer her.

I mean, really.  After the whole Tiger debacle and the very public collapse of her marriage, there is no way in the world Elin should have gone into any new relationship without first having a background check, credit report and an oral swab performed.  It’s not like she couldn’t have afforded to have even had a DoD clearance screening done if she’d wanted.  She should have had a “Fool Me Once” bumper sticker on her Maybach and a “Man Eater” tattoo on her bicep.  There is nothing about Jamie Dingman that should have caught Elin unaware, and especially so publicly!

But at the end of the day, I suppose the old adage still holds true.  No matter how much money Elin has, she’s clearly been unable to purchase love with it.  Perhaps after the smoke clears from this latest humiliation however, she will settle for buying several deluxe cans of whoop @&# instead, because obviously there are a few folks in her life who could benefit from such a generous gift!

Shame on The Casey Anthony Jury Pool…and Photo Shop!

If you know me, then you definitely know how I feel about today’s Casey Anthony verdict, but still…iCannot.com with this picture!

Didn’t take yall long, did it?

*SMH*

From The Hot Mess Files: Biebershop Quartet

 

iCant! iCant! iCant!

I heard this rather crude silliness on the radio this morning, and I now officially quit life (well, that almost was the case since I came close to wrecking my car from snickering so uncontrollably).

But seriously, blogging a response to, an explanation for or the rationale behind this latest cyber display of Bieber Fever would be doing these guys gals a total disservice.  Just view their tribute parody to the “Prince of Pop” at your leisure and draw your own conclusions!

…In the interest of his core fan base however, I highly doubt if Justin would consider allowing these doppelgangers to open for his next multi-city tour.

Carmela “Keeps It” Real

Although VH1 recently put forth an ambitious yet crude effort with their new show, since the series finale of The Sopranos four years ago, I’ve sort of had mob wife withdrawal.  So when I came across an internet headline about Edie Falco this afternoon, I was anxious to hear what was up with the former first lady of New Jersey Organized Crime turned ER Nurse.

After I read the write up however, I was left wondering, why is this even a story, why are people upset and what did she say in this nonstory that was untrue? 

Basically, an attention seeker suffering through a slow news day writer over at accesshollywood.com took some comments that Edie Falco made during an interview for New York Magazine’s Vulture blog and ran for the border with them.  When asked if she watched a certain reality television show, Falco replied with a question of her own:

“Who the h3ll is Kim Kardashian?”

With little prodding, she inquired further about the state of television programming this day and age and its resulting effect on popular and social culture:

“Who are these people and why are they famous and why are they advertising things and being asked their opinions about things? I just don’t understand what these people did to be in a position of having everyone ask their opinions about stuff.  If there’s something about [Kim Kardashian’s] personality or something that she’s accomplished or her philosophy on something – beyond that, I don’t understand what’s happening; it’s actually frightening.”

Okay.  First off, the article is from accesshollywood.com so what did I expect? If they can make headline news of an interview with the store clerk who sold Anthony Weiner the infamous briefs that are now captured for all posterity in his twit pic (I’m kidding), then surely their efforts at instigating a slap-fest between Kim and Carmela really shouldn’t be that shocking.  Still, the notion from some of the article’s readers and commenters that because Falco spoke out about the nonsense that is now Reality TV; specifically Kim Kardashian’s meteoric “for-nothing” rise to super stardom and celebrity, she is somehow bitter or a hater is in my opinion, more than a little off the mark.

Again I ask, what did Edie say that was untrue, or malicious for that matter? Are the Kardashians known for anything substantial? Do they provide poignant and objective critiques on politics, the economy and society at large?  Does their peddling of clothing, autobiographies, fragrances or prepaid cards enhance or ease the way of life of anyone other than themselves?  Granted, her delivery may have been a little coarse but love them or hate them, didn’t Edie say what we all have been thinking about these reality stars for years?!

If anything, aside from stating the obvious, I see her incredulous questions and declarations as the strong opinion of someone who’s worked long and hard to hone her craft and earn her celebrity in the fickle town of Hollywood, only to be confused by the fame of a celebutante and her siblings. And trust me, Edie Falco is not the first or only thespian who feels this way (cue Samuel Jackson’s “rap-tors” rant).

Now, am I saying that the Kardashian’s don’t deserve their current success after discovering a lucrative niche from which they’ve built their empire? No.  But surely they can’t expect people to be elated about their rise to the top on the back of Kim’s homemade movie debut.

And before I’m called-out as a hypocrite, I do admittedly watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kourtney & Kim Take New York and Khole & Lamar…but mostly as research for the book I’m writing on um, uh…how to snag a professional baller; yeah.

I Might Don’t Make It!

Today, I had to basically have a Come-To-Jesus meeting with myself!

Although the past couple of years have taught me all about preparation and how to make the best of a bad situation, I also learned one tough lesson…that the “know it all” trait that I have is actually just me being really hard-headed. I mean, for as strategic (and obssessive; I can admit it) as I normally am in planning out my daily work and personal life, you’d think I’d learn to make special concessions and back-up plans when it comes to situations out of my control (like expecting others to do what they’re supposed to).

That should have been the case while I was away this past weekend at the beach, but no! Like an unreasonable person, I had to gall to totally decompress and have a great time with my family, only to return to ten urgent voicemails, a slew of follow-up emails and a firestorm of needs, wants, requests and edicts; all needing to be addressed and extinguished by the close of my ten hour business day!

And even now, as I lay here too depleted of energy and mental horsepower to even focus on Weinergate or the plethora of other idiotic news ripe for the picking, I had to remind myself (this is where the CTJ meeting came in) that I could either let the frustrations of the day ruin the remaining six hours of this Tuesday, or I could make the best of my remaining quarter-day and enjoy a night of Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure, The Road to El Dorado and Kung-Fu Panda with The Big Girl.

OR I could opt for plan C and camp out in front of the TV with The Big Girl and take a power nap while she and Sharpay sing four to six Disney equivalents of Off-Broadway musical numbers!

…I think we have a winner!

Buffoon of the Week: How NOT to Be a Burglar

So, I haven’t crowned a BOTW in a while, but boy…if this guy doesn’t deserve the title!!!

I really don’t think there is or will ever be an appropriate enough explanation to detail what exactly was going through this man’s mind (let’s call him Jasper) to make him think that he’d prevail in his clumsy and careening pilfering of his local purveyor of spirits.

And again, while I already know that the answers to any questions on the matter will be a resounding “c’mon, he’s the captain of the idiot brigade” inquiring minds just have to know:

What part of stealth doesn’t Jasper understand?

Aren’t the uses of shopping carts reserved for paying customers?

Why in the world would Jasper break into a liquor store, when it’s clear he was already drunk?

At what point did he realize his breaking and entering scheme wasn’t going to pay off; before or after he fell 15 feet, a third time?

You think Jasper might need the number to my chiropractor?

Representatives Gone Wild: Social Media & the New York Congressmen Who Should Avoid Them

Obviously, I’m nothing more than a depraved mind, cloaked beneath the façade of the cultured and well-rounded Christian woman I pretend to be on the daily, because this Anthony Weiner story had me tickled pink (snickers) for most of the weekend and again, much of today. As reported by People.com:

A New York congressman says a lewd photo sent to a college student from his Twitter account was posted by a hacker – and he’s hired a lawyer to investigate, his office said Tuesday.

The kerfuffle, which some tabloid press is calling “Weinergate,” kicked off Friday when a photo of a man’s bulging crotch in boxer briefs appeared in Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Twitter stream.

The Tweet was addressed to college student Gennette Cordova, 21, of Seattle – but the image was visible to all of Weiner’s 40,000 followers.

The post was swiftly deleted, and the New York Democrat soon Tweeted that his account had been hacked. “More Weiner Jokes for all my guests,” he Tweeted.

Cordova denied that she had ever met Weiner, much less had a relationship with him as some bloggers intimated. (The photo was first reported by conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart’s biggovernment.com.)

“I have never met Congressman Weiner, though I am a fan,” she told the New York Daily News over the weekend. “I’ve never been to New York or to D.C.”

Cordova also addressed the fact she once Tweeted, “I wonder what my boyfriend @RepWeiner is up to,” explaining that it was a joke.

“I have seen myself labeled as the ‘Femme Fatale of Weinergate,’ ‘Anthony Weiner’s 21-year-old coed mistress’ and ‘the self-proclaimed girlfriend of Anthony Weiner,'” she told the Daily News in the statement. “All of this is so outlandish that I don’t know whether to be pissed off or amused.”

Frankly (giggles), I’m pretty sure this is a total non-story, and likely some perv’s idea of a humorous prank to play on a United States Congressman with an equally humorous last name; OR…it could very well be the GOP’s riposte to the Christopher Lee (also a Congressman from New York) Craigslist conundrum…Hmm.

At any rate, although through no fault of his own, I’d hope that with a last name like Weiner, Anthony will do everything in his power going forward to keep his privates (or reprobate privates disguised as his) out of the press!

I’m also going to need his twitter handlers to be more vigilant!  Sheesh.

Drop it, That’s NOT Hot!

…Here we go again!

While the promotional tactic of correlating brand names with popular music is not a new one, it once again seems that some of the advertising execs and marketing geniuses of the world have decided that the quickest and most effective way to establish brand recognition is to associate their client’s product with admittedly popular, but suggestive lyrics from the Hip-Hop genre.

Within the past decade for instance, it was first Pepsi and Ludacris, then Fergie, The Black Eyed Peas’ front woman and Dr. Pepper.  Now, Sun Drop (yeah, I had to look up what that was too) has commissioned for their commercials with the help of one of Snoop Dogg’s biggest hits, the behind-popping and dropping services of a young woman who by all accounts looks as though she is perfecting her moves for her Spring Break trip to Cabo San Lucas next year.

But while the sheer idiocy of associating dropping it with a carbonated beverage in this commercial is sort of humorous to watch, the message that is being conveyed is, at least for me, a bit disconcerting.  It is certainly one thing to push the envelope in order to draw ones attention to an advertised product, albeit in a shocking and buffoonish way, but to then encourage consumers to send in videos of themselves booty-quaking it (though not seen above in the edited version) while drinking a refreshing can of Sun Drop Soda hardly seems a responsible marketing strategy to endorse.  And when my elementary school-aged kids are watching the Harry Potter Weekend Marathon on ABC Family when this idiotic commercial airs and I am left to explain how inappropriate making it clap as an entertainment mechanism is (especially in relation to soda, for Jeebus’ sake), Sun Drop…we have a problem!

Let’s just say that Sun Drop and their manufacturers, Dr. Pepper Snapple Group don’t ever have to concern themselves with my patronage.

Spring Break Headache!

I don’t think that there is anything in this world more dejecting than waking up to a debilitating migraine and deciding to take a “mental health day” from work to nurse the throbbing and aching, only to realize that upon climbing back into bed, one’s children are in RARE form!

Yesterday as I was walking out the door to head to work, I was blindsided by what we’ve all come to know as one of my infamous little brain-aches.  After sitting for a spell and waiting for the nauseous and dizzying effects to wear off, I decided to take my hind parts to bed and let my co-workers and subordinates miss me for a day.

Too bad that just as I was getting reacquainted with my soothing and pacifying pillow-top, all hell broke loose in the form of adolescent, pre-teen and toddler foolery.  Yelling about being sat next to and touched, desiring French Toast instead of frozen waffles, wanting to play the PS3 as opposed to watching Dora The Explorer, requiring help with the construction of the Entrepreneurial Icee Stand on the front lawn, not wanting to take a bath; you name it, they were claiming it!  And then, in what would have been hilarious parental fashion had it not been so loud, annoying and in total contradiction with the ambiance I was trying to create for my frazzled nerves, the honey shouted for the kids to stop being so discourteous, raucous and wild when they knew I was in bed suffering through another migraine!

Yep, that’s what I get; I knew I should have just taken 600 mg of ibuprofen and trudged on through my day, but no, I just had to tempt fate.  Surprisingly though, I’m not even mad because clearly this was all a learning experience for me:

1.  There is plenty of space beneath my desk at work to assembly a comfortable palette and I always get into work earlier enough to go unseen by my colleagues.
2. Next Spring Break, I will be breaking as well…at least two time zones away from my rowdy offspring!