The Kobe System: Vanessa, You’re Welcome

If you haven’t seen the most recent exploits of the warm-up wearing, motivational speaking guru, The Black Mamba as he schools the World’s One Percenters on how to excel further despite their own individual greatness and success, then you must be watching all things Republican on a continuous C-Span loop.

For those of you however as amused as I was by Serena’s Grander Slam, Sir Richard Branson’s planet purchase, Jerry Rice wanting to understand the words coming out of Kobe’s mouth or Kanye actually considering someone else’s advice for a change, know that this latest Nike brainchild had to have been developed of authentic and necessary origins.  I mean, whether you love him or loathe him, Kobe Bryant has had an epic and undoubtedly future Basketball Hall of Fame career.  He has been likened to The Great One in just about every aspect of the game and even in his many lucrative endorsement deals.

Unfortunately also like Mike, Mr. Bryant has recently had to endure the ill effects of his dirty laundry being aired to the world and his marriage ultimately becoming collateral damage.  And in a dunder-headed move of having no prenuptial agreement, Kobe’s pockets have become nearly $150 Million lighter almost overnight.

So yes, the notion of Kobe motivating the Über-successful into being even more so is a unique and cheeky idea which makes for a great shoe selling advertising campaign, but know that in 2012, every commercial, fade away, public speaking outing, behind the back pass and 3-point shot are all simply motivational mechanisms for #24…The man’s got a lot of monetary recouping to do!

Don’tcha Wish Your 4G Was Hot Like Mine?

For as much complaining and fussing as I’ve done over the years about my cellphone service, I don’t think I’ve ever been this embarrassed in public as a result of total network access failure.

Still, if I were forced to perform a flash mob solo thanks to pure mobile ratchetness, I pray that my step-ball-changes, pada berets and jazz hands in Union Station would be as extravagant as this!

Praise Break: The Last Baptism

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Although I’ve seen this clip on multiple occasions, the unorthodox spiritual cleansing witnessed here still gets me giggling every time! 

And while I am certain that every member of the global rainbow coalition is precious in the sight of our Heavenly Father, I can’t help but to snicker at how differently this baptism would have gone had it taken place at my melanin enriched place of worship.  Let’s just say that between the armor bearers and my all-the-way-live pastor, this kid’s submersion would have likely been an extended one!

Smiling, Even Though I Feel Like Crying!

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I cannot even blog coherently today, as I have been tearing my clothes, gnashing my teeth and pouring dirt on my head in response to My Gators getting absolutely rolled by The Tide tonight.  And though I am beyond inconsolable right now, I was able to momentarily divert my attention from this beatdown and find a reason to smile, even if only for a brief moment. 

Check out the foolery that is Wayne Brady, Mike Tyson and this epic spoof of a Bobby Brown classic. 

Who knew that the man proclaiming to eat his opponents kids was such a goof?  Tyson is easily the most entertaining component in this video, especially watching the mental math on his face as he counts out his dance steps.  But although Iron Mike steals just about everyone’s thunder in this musical parody, I hope that for his sake and that of his multiple child support accounts, Bobby gets some residuals from this foolish, yet utterly comedic spectacle.

Watch and Discuss!

Man-Law Breaking Epidemic: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Oh!

What in the name of machismo is really going on!?  From the illegal use of Under Armour, the whimsical poses by athletes and now this limber Lithuanian, I am thinking there needs to be a Man Card recall posthaste!

Having originally seen this video on Faux News Live this morning (don’t ask, I won’t tell) I must admit that I was just as confounded as the conservative news show hosts at the sheer audaciousness and plucky demeanor of this latest Man-Law offender.  I am not sure in what world it is okay for a 33-year-old man to twizzle and gyrate animatedly as a fake-me-out Justin Bieber  background dancer (looks indignantly at Usher), but apparently, that is what’s hot in the Baltic States.

Now, I will concede that this man’s moves, complete with ripples and levels, barefoot ballet, and plentiful pirouettes and pada-berets-kick-ball-changes are pretty snazzy, if not a little creepy considering that he is totally stealing the shine from the two little girls in the video (likely, his daughters), but is this guy for real?  And I just loathed loved his flared merengue inspired blouse and snug high-water pants to complete the look (hey, the flood pants worked for MJ).

But, as much as this man needs to go sit it all the way down, I blame his daughters for enabling this bad behavior.  I mean really, what teenaged girl makes a boring Karaoke video with Hitch to Albert instructional dance steps (“this is where you live, right here. This is home”)?  They really gave Daddy Dance-a-lot no other alternative but to add some excitement to this lackluster viral video by whinin’ his hips pon di dance floor living room floor.

Check him out (as you cringe for his kids).

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Someone Needs An Intervention

I just realized that several posts this week have had to do with my “extra” (as in dramatic, not additional) family.  What’s funny is, this family theme was not even intentional, but because everyone in my house has been in rare form this week (with the exception of me… of course) my blog posts have kind of turned into a narrative For Colored Bloggers Who Have Considered Family Abandonment When Their Foolishness was More Than Enough.  Still, what is it they say about it not needing to be fixed if it isn’t broken?  With that said, let’s take yet another trip to La Casa Del Pack.

So, my honey and I were watching television last night when a Wisk commercial came on…

Okay, wait.  In order for you to be able to follow the foolery, let me pause for a moment so that we can put this tale into the proper context.

Last school year, through some really unfortunate events and utterly gauche cowardice, the football team that my honey coached for let their Head Coach go.  This became very problematic for my honey because although he was invited to stay on with the new coaching staff, he felt a sense of loyalty to the sacked (pun intended) head coach.  This was mainly because the two were (are) great friends and he had brought my honey from their previous school (where they both used to worked together) to be a part of his coaching staff.  Taking all of this into account, my honey felt incredibly conflicted staying on as the team’s offensive coordinator.  So, after an off-season to think about it, my honey decided that he was going to focus on more one-on-one homework time with our children after-school (which he is well qualified to do, being a teacher and all) and making preparations to go back to school for administration instead of coaching this season.

Well, while he’s been incredibly proactive with our kids’ education, this man has been missing coaching like Bobby misses Whitney’s crack drug stash.  But in fairness, the players and coaches miss him just as much.  For the past four Friday’s, he’s been a spectator under the Friday Night Lights, but after the games, everybody is chatting him up like he’s still on staff. 

Okay, caught up? Now let’s proceed.

So the honey and I were watching some forgettable network season premiere last night, when a Wisk commercial came on.  As the advertisement began touting Wisk’s new Stain Spectrum Technology, the images coming through our television screen were of a group of tiny tots participating in what looked like a pee wee football game.  In the act of getting his pristine uniform muddied and grass stained, a little running back powered through the defensive line to score a touchdown.  In what can only be described as a totally out of the blue, possessed Dennis Green voice (think: “they are who we thought they were” raging lunatic Dennis Green), my honey retorts:

“WHY IN THE HECK DIDN’T SOMEONE FILL THE A-GAP?!?!?!?!”

Uh…

The fact that he was berating some 5 year olds…playing pee wee football…in a commercial, greatly concerns me.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought his random outburst was hilarious, but I DO think my honey needs a football intervention.  Now, I truly understand that he misses coaching, watching film and developing his young boys into men on and off the field, but there is still far too much of the football season left to be worrying about whether or not he is going to be stalking local youth football leagues and calling plays from the stands. 

Poor thing.

Caption This: Fashion Face-off?

It’s New York Fashion Week people, and who better to sit front and center at today’s Rodarte Fashion Show than former White House Fashionista Social Secretary Desiree Rogers and ego-tripper extraordinaire Grammy Award Winning Super-Producer Kanye West.

 Karl Lagerfeld’s Shades! What could Ree and Ye possibly be talking about?  Anyone care to caption? I’ll start you off:

 “Yo Desiree, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but I have one of the best ostrich-feathered-front-row-fashion-show-recliners and Rodarte back stage passes of all time!”

All Ozzie Wants Is Teamwork, The Anthem and Wins….Uniforms Optional

He’s outspoken, highly opinionated, full of –isms, has a potty mouth…but he’s knowledgeable; a decorated player, animated coach, celebrated manager and great for Baseball. 

I normally don’t tune in to America’s Favorite Pastime until well after The All-Star Break when teams either start taking wins and losses more seriously or are so far behind in the pennant race or MLB Power Rankings (Orioles) that they weed themselves out from my viewership.  But thanks to the almost daily antics of Ozzie Guillen, I can’t seem to get enough of Central Division Baseball (although I am clearly an American League Eastern Division kinda girl).

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was recently bombarded with questions from reporters after the ink dried on the straight waver claim between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Sox, making Manny Ramirez, another over-the-top-baseball personality the newest addition to the team.  In true devil-may-care fashion, Ozzie fielded questions left and right about concerns over the bringing in the controversial yet play-making firebrand.

“I think it’s funny how people tell people ‘Manny be Manny’…Hey Manny, be real…To me he’s a great guy. He don’t have any problem with anybody.”

Ozzie went on to add that that although the big-time directives would come from owner Kenny Williams, he felt that Manny would accept his judgment and be a great addition to the club.

“It’s two rules I have. You gotta be straight with the team and be there for national anthem.”

Other than that, Guillen couldn’t be bothered with the player’s trivial matters (I’m paraphrasing).  But just before I could relegate this interview to the White Sox annals of boring sports-talk, Ozzie came through in a big way and sent me into a giggle fit with this little unfiltered sound bite:

“If the guys can go there butt naked, they don’t have to wear a uniform. They win game for me? I’m only happy for them.”

Pure Comedy!

Check out the video to hear his blunt philosophy for yourself.

You can also catch more Ozzie Guillen-isms, baseball rants, Latino pride and his love of Bed Bath and Beyond on twitter: @ozzieguillen

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I Blame the Outbreak of Crazy on Our Legal System

This season in American politics and the outright repugnance that has been displayed in American behavior as of late has made me a skeptic of “the good in humanity.”  I mean, if it isn’t one of our elected representatives getting caught canoodling with a lady of the night, a swarm of our boys in blue sleeping easy after giving a lowly pedestrian a “21-gun salute” or a multitude of fear mongers hell-bent on infringing upon the civil rights of a group of people that they refuse to understand, it just seems to me that America has fallen off the wagon and begun her decent into a rather dark and ugly place.

To say that these actions and mindsets are “shocking” and “unprecedented” however, would be quite delusional.  For those of us who know our history, this social and political climate is more along the lines of same caca different day (era, racial group, impending threat…take your pick).  What is unfortunate however, is that for many people, they refuse to look to history as the ultimate teacher, and instead choose to wreak havoc against the greater good in the name of thinly veiled (or in some cases, blatantly declared) self-preservation.

But as socially inclusive and politically adept as I wish every American were, I cannot simply lay the blame at Joe Plumber or Jane Burn-a-Koran’s feet and proclaim to have identified the crux of the problem.  These are folks who’ve come from intolerant stock; stock who believed in and helped to craft legal doctrines like Separate But Equal, the legality of owning and declaring other human beings as personal property, and making that nifty little 3/5^th compromise constitutional.  And even though these legal examples have been overruled or repealed over the years, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to use the vehicle of legislation to revisit some of the laws that we have on the books as a means to unearth where some of these beliefs, behaviors and buffoonery originated.

Take for instance the groundbreaking PACK research that I recently performed.  Identifying the ten representative states of The Pack Faithful who most frequent this site, I did a little digging to discover some rather interesting laws that although may not currently be enforced, are still currently on the books in their respective states:

1.        Sorry Kids, No Circus in the peanut field:  In North Carolina, elephants may not be used to plow fields.

2.        Leave the drinking to the professionals: A Maryland law states that alcohol beverage writers are to be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand.

3.        Officer David: In Illinois, it is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a law enforcement officer.

4.        Nothing is certain but death and taxes: Pensacola, Florida penned a law that says a woman can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.

5.        Empire State of Mind: In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.

6.        Big Bang Theory: In Chico, California, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits is punishable by a fine of $500.00

 7.        Kentucky loves her horses: Kentucky state law decrees that no female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club. This law was later amended: The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds or exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses.

 8.        Optimistic Crime Fighting: A law in Washington to reduce crime states that it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

 9.        Ruh-Roh Scooby: In Connecticut, you may not educate dogs.

 10.   Fire When Ready…Wait, What?: In Colorado, catapults may not be fired at buildings.

*Sigh*

Crazy laws = Crazy people? Short of proclaiming that there’s something in the water, I think I may have my finger on the pulse here.

…and, in case I was unclear the first 293 times I said it, I’m moving to Canada.

Praise Break: I Just Want To Be Right

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Today was one of those days that although had plenty of “worthy” news stories to blog about, left me feeling a little overwhelmed and not really in the mood to be insightful. Chalk it up to the fact that I live in a country that prides itself on owning the melting pot monopoly, yet has a small but vocal societal fringe that would have you believe that restoring America requires strict uniformity and homogeny.  Or perhaps my dissociative funk has a bit to do with knowing that although in these here 50 states I have the freedom to practice my religion without persecution, I am left wondering if in Atlanta, my sister-friend’s freedoms are being infringed upon because she maintains her hold on a faith that differs from what’s found within the status quo; a faith that has currently been dealt with in a controversial, horribly vicious and dismissive way.  But like I said, I’m far too weary to even go there…besides, that topic is one that requires at least 500mgs of ibuprofen and all I have in the medicine cabinet is 200mgs of chewable aspirin. Translation: not gonna happen.

What is happening today on The Pack though, is a look at people who worship (humorously) without apology; a series I like to call “Praise Break.”  Now, having grown up in the typical Baptist Church setting, my mother always used to fuss at me for my sheer delight (read: amusement) in other people’s method of worship.  What she didn’t seem to understand however, was that I was not poking fun at the folks who back-flipped down the church’s center aisle or who “testified”  a little too long about being blessed to be able to tithe properly off of their winning Pick-Three ticket. No, these “offerings of thanks” although funny motivated me to be grateful and to appreciate all that I have.

Same goes for (we’ll call her) Sister Fedora in the video above.  Although she is invoking the 100^th Psalms with all of her might, yet is only giving us the noise (none of it joyful), she has truly encouraged me with her passionate (though at times, tone deaf) plea, to do a better job of being right, living right and doing right…and at the end of the day, isn’t that what this life here on earth is all about anyway?