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The Kobe System: Vanessa, You’re Welcome

23 Jan

If you haven’t seen the most recent exploits of the warm-up wearing, motivational speaking guru, The Black Mamba as he schools the World’s One Percenters on how to excel further despite their own individual greatness and success, then you must be watching all things Republican on a continuous C-Span loop.

For those of you however as amused as I was by Serena’s Grander Slam, Sir Richard Branson’s planet purchase, Jerry Rice wanting to understand the words coming out of Kobe’s mouth or Kanye actually considering someone else’s advice for a change, know that this latest Nike brainchild had to have been developed of authentic and necessary origins.  I mean, whether you love him or loathe him, Kobe Bryant has had an epic and undoubtedly future Basketball Hall of Fame career.  He has been likened to The Great One in just about every aspect of the game and even in his many lucrative endorsement deals.

Unfortunately also like Mike, Mr. Bryant has recently had to endure the ill effects of his dirty laundry being aired to the world and his marriage ultimately becoming collateral damage.  And in a dunder-headed move of having no prenuptial agreement, Kobe’s pockets have become nearly $150 Million lighter almost overnight.

So yes, the notion of Kobe motivating the Über-successful into being even more so is a unique and cheeky idea which makes for a great shoe selling advertising campaign, but know that in 2012, every commercial, fade away, public speaking outing, behind the back pass and 3-point shot are all simply motivational mechanisms for #24…The man’s got a lot of monetary recouping to do!

Don’tcha Wish Your 4G Was Hot Like Mine?

12 Jun

For as much complaining and fussing as I’ve done over the years about my cellphone service, I don’t think I’ve ever been this embarrassed in public as a result of total network access failure.

Still, if I were forced to perform a flash mob solo thanks to pure mobile ratchetness, I pray that my step-ball-changes, pada berets and jazz hands in Union Station would be as extravagant as this!

Praise Break: The Last Baptism

21 Oct

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Although I’ve seen this clip on multiple occasions, the unorthodox spiritual cleansing witnessed here still gets me giggling every time! 

And while I am certain that every member of the global rainbow coalition is precious in the sight of our Heavenly Father, I can’t help but to snicker at how differently this baptism would have gone had it taken place at my melanin enriched place of worship.  Let’s just say that between the armor bearers and my all-the-way-live pastor, this kid’s submersion would have likely been an extended one!

Smiling, Even Though I Feel Like Crying!

2 Oct

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I cannot even blog coherently today, as I have been tearing my clothes, gnashing my teeth and pouring dirt on my head in response to My Gators getting absolutely rolled by The Tide tonight.  And though I am beyond inconsolable right now, I was able to momentarily divert my attention from this beatdown and find a reason to smile, even if only for a brief moment. 

Check out the foolery that is Wayne Brady, Mike Tyson and this epic spoof of a Bobby Brown classic. 

Who knew that the man proclaiming to eat his opponents kids was such a goof?  Tyson is easily the most entertaining component in this video, especially watching the mental math on his face as he counts out his dance steps.  But although Iron Mike steals just about everyone’s thunder in this musical parody, I hope that for his sake and that of his multiple child support accounts, Bobby gets some residuals from this foolish, yet utterly comedic spectacle.

Watch and Discuss!

Man-Law Breaking Epidemic: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Oh!

25 Sep

What in the name of machismo is really going on!?  From the illegal use of Under Armour, the whimsical poses by athletes and now this limber Lithuanian, I am thinking there needs to be a Man Card recall posthaste!

Having originally seen this video on Faux News Live this morning (don’t ask, I won’t tell) I must admit that I was just as confounded as the conservative news show hosts at the sheer audaciousness and plucky demeanor of this latest Man-Law offender.  I am not sure in what world it is okay for a 33-year-old man to twizzle and gyrate animatedly as a fake-me-out Justin Bieber  background dancer (looks indignantly at Usher), but apparently, that is what’s hot in the Baltic States.

Now, I will concede that this man’s moves, complete with ripples and levels, barefoot ballet, and plentiful pirouettes and pada-berets-kick-ball-changes are pretty snazzy, if not a little creepy considering that he is totally stealing the shine from the two little girls in the video (likely, his daughters), but is this guy for real?  And I just loathed loved his flared merengue inspired blouse and snug high-water pants to complete the look (hey, the flood pants worked for MJ).

But, as much as this man needs to go sit it all the way down, I blame his daughters for enabling this bad behavior.  I mean really, what teenaged girl makes a boring Karaoke video with Hitch to Albert instructional dance steps (“this is where you live, right here. This is home”)?  They really gave Daddy Dance-a-lot no other alternative but to add some excitement to this lackluster viral video by whinin’ his hips pon di dance floor living room floor.

Check him out (as you cringe for his kids).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Someone Needs An Intervention

24 Sep

I just realized that several posts this week have had to do with my “extra” (as in dramatic, not additional) family.  What’s funny is, this family theme was not even intentional, but because everyone in my house has been in rare form this week (with the exception of me… of course) my blog posts have kind of turned into a narrative For Colored Bloggers Who Have Considered Family Abandonment When Their Foolishness was More Than Enough.  Still, what is it they say about it not needing to be fixed if it isn’t broken?  With that said, let’s take yet another trip to La Casa Del Pack.

So, my honey and I were watching television last night when a Wisk commercial came on…

Okay, wait.  In order for you to be able to follow the foolery, let me pause for a moment so that we can put this tale into the proper context.

Last school year, through some really unfortunate events and utterly gauche cowardice, the football team that my honey coached for let their Head Coach go.  This became very problematic for my honey because although he was invited to stay on with the new coaching staff, he felt a sense of loyalty to the sacked (pun intended) head coach.  This was mainly because the two were (are) great friends and he had brought my honey from their previous school (where they both used to worked together) to be a part of his coaching staff.  Taking all of this into account, my honey felt incredibly conflicted staying on as the team’s offensive coordinator.  So, after an off-season to think about it, my honey decided that he was going to focus on more one-on-one homework time with our children after-school (which he is well qualified to do, being a teacher and all) and making preparations to go back to school for administration instead of coaching this season.

Well, while he’s been incredibly proactive with our kids’ education, this man has been missing coaching like Bobby misses Whitney’s crack drug stash.  But in fairness, the players and coaches miss him just as much.  For the past four Friday’s, he’s been a spectator under the Friday Night Lights, but after the games, everybody is chatting him up like he’s still on staff. 

Okay, caught up? Now let’s proceed.

So the honey and I were watching some forgettable network season premiere last night, when a Wisk commercial came on.  As the advertisement began touting Wisk’s new Stain Spectrum Technology, the images coming through our television screen were of a group of tiny tots participating in what looked like a pee wee football game.  In the act of getting his pristine uniform muddied and grass stained, a little running back powered through the defensive line to score a touchdown.  In what can only be described as a totally out of the blue, possessed Dennis Green voice (think: “they are who we thought they were” raging lunatic Dennis Green), my honey retorts:

“WHY IN THE HECK DIDN’T SOMEONE FILL THE A-GAP?!?!?!?!”

Uh…

The fact that he was berating some 5 year olds…playing pee wee football…in a commercial, greatly concerns me.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought his random outburst was hilarious, but I DO think my honey needs a football intervention.  Now, I truly understand that he misses coaching, watching film and developing his young boys into men on and off the field, but there is still far too much of the football season left to be worrying about whether or not he is going to be stalking local youth football leagues and calling plays from the stands. 

Poor thing.

Caption This: Fashion Face-off?

14 Sep

It’s New York Fashion Week people, and who better to sit front and center at today’s Rodarte Fashion Show than former White House Fashionista Social Secretary Desiree Rogers and ego-tripper extraordinaire Grammy Award Winning Super-Producer Kanye West.

 Karl Lagerfeld’s Shades! What could Ree and Ye possibly be talking about?  Anyone care to caption? I’ll start you off:

 “Yo Desiree, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but I have one of the best ostrich-feathered-front-row-fashion-show-recliners and Rodarte back stage passes of all time!”

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