Tag Archives: How Rude

When Chicken(heads) Come Home To Roost

5 Apr

For as much of a writer and storyteller as I profess to be, I must honestly admit that I can do this tale no justice; still I will try my best to convey the pure hilarity of the situation.  And for those of you who know my honey personally, please have him tell you this little anecdote when next you seem him.

So, the other night, after what seemed like weeks of phone tag, my honey attempted once again to call his sister.  Apparently that afternoon she had blasted him in a message about not returning her calls, so when he was forced to leave her a message after being prompted by her voicemail, he responded to her earlier lambasting in kind.  The next morning as he was leaving the house for work, he tried to call her once again, but was forwarded to her voicemail.  Feeling a foreign sensation of contriteness at his brusque words the night before, he apologized, told her he loved her and to call him when she got a chance.

Later that morning, my office receptionist patched my honey through to my business line (which I found incredibly odd, seeing as how he usually reached me on my cellphone when I am at work) and before I could properly greet him, the dude went berserk!  Trying to follow his disjointed sentences and biting tirade, I asked that he start from the beginning and let me know what had gotten him so incensed.

He said that shortly after returning his sister’s call, her number popped back up on his cellphone display screen, but when he went to answer it, it became all too obvious that he was not speaking to his sister:

Woman:  You need to stop f’ing calling my number!

My Honey: Excuse me? No, excuse you!?

Woman: You heard me. You have been calling the wrong number continually and you f’ing got me in trouble with my husband!

My Honey: Well I sincerely apologize for calling the wrong number but you might want to reconsider how you are speaking to me on this phone. Trust me lady, you don’t know me.

Woman: Yeah whatever, I just want to make sure you don’t…

Man: …Yeah, who is this?

My Honey:  Who is this?

Man:  This is the man whose wife you been f’ing calling all week.

My Honey: And like I explained to your wife, I have been calling her number in error, thinking she was someone else.

Man: Well, I think you better get your information straight and lose this f’ing number.

My Honey: Look man, you caught me in a good mood this morning, so I am not going to cuss you out like you deserve for talking to me all reckless as if I am some simp. What I will do however, is impart some words of wisdom, because it sounds like you could really use them.  Instead of you trying to be Billy Bad @$$ over the phone with someone who called your wife and had the wrong number, you might want to expend that same energy to find the dude who is calling your wife and clearly has the right number!

Click!

Obviously, my boss was out of the office that day, because I should have totally gotten fired for how hysterically I laughed at that exchange!

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Why My Precocious Toddler Is Posted On Craigslist

30 Nov

Because of the firm but reasonable boundaries that me and my honey set for our children, they all know (the babychild included) that the quickest way to be given up for adoption is to 1) come into our room uninvited 2) mess with or take items out of said restricted room and 3) lie about it.  Well, the babychild (who loves to tippy-toe the line when it comes to rules) hit the trifecta today, and is currently awaiting his new set of parents to come pick him up!

While preparing dinner this evening, my youngest child was instructed to chill out with his cousin and catch up on his Spanish lessons courtesy of Dora and Boots.  Thinking he was safely in the bonus room getting his Noggin on, I finished cooking and setting the table so went to my room to boot up my computer to finish up some work that I’d taken home with me.

Thinking I was loco in the coco, I noticed that my laptop (the same one that I had wheeled into the house only a few hours before) was out of its rolling case and sitting a little too strategically in the middle of my bed.  Opening it up, the screen immediately went from black to 50-11 internet and application windows popping up, followed by the System Restore prompt notifying me that Windows had not started properly and that Start Up Repair would try to identify and resolve the problem.

Seeing red, I began to gaze around the room for definitive clues as to who exactly had hijacked my computer, before I started dispensing punishment of the hide-tanning variety.  No sooner than I filled my diaphragm full of name bellowing hot air, did the babychild conveniently meander into my room with his sippy cup in hand to inquire about his dinner.

Me: You can eat in a minute, but first I need you to tell me something.

Babychild: What you want me to tell?

Me: Did you touch my computer?

Babychild: (A little too quickly) No!

Me: Are you sure? Don’t tell me fibs.

Babychild: No, I just turned it on.

Me: You know you broke it right? Now mommy can’t do work.

Babychild: I will fix it, don’t worry.

Me: Um, no. You touching it in the first place is why it’s broken.

Babychild: I’m sorry mom-ma. And I’m hungry.

Me:  I am not very happy with you right now.

Babychild: But I love you, see (blows a kiss)?

Me: What should I do because you broke mommy’s computer?

Babychild: Call your friend.

*Sigh* I cannot with him! 

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that he might be right. I just may call my friend…my social worker friend!

Read My Body (Language): Sorry Dude…Not Interested

26 Aug

I think it is safe to speak for womankind when I say that no matter how self-sufficient, successful or “grown and got her own” a female is, she can still value a genuine compliment from a man every now and again.  Whether it’s a trendy change in hairstyle, the purchase of a new frame-accentuating outfit, or even a subtle update in lip-stain color with the change of the seasons, a woman can certainly appreciate a man who recognizes beauty in the many forms in which it is manifested (and don’t even get me started on the fellas who classify objectification of women as a trait of the Cro-Magnon and instead regard a woman’s sharp wit and honed intellect as priceless virtues… *swoon*). 

But what I’ve come to learn (and what I am sure that many women can attest to) is the fact that there is always that one man whose compliment cannot be assuaged with a simple “thank you.”  Oh no, this man’s compliment is more than just mild admiration; instead it’s something more akin to really creepy and desperate pestering.  And what’s sad is the fact that this one guy never picks up on a woman’s “tells” that indicate her disinterest in him.  Either that or he simply started off his day with bacon & eggs and a side of confidence to boot.

So here’s the situation (because you know this was all a segue into another A Pack Tale, right?), having lost the Rock, Paper, Scissors best of three challenge to my honey, I loaded the kids up and headed to The-Supercenter-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named to get ahead of the curve and purchase the various materials and provisions that their teachers outlined on the ever-ridiculous annual school supply list (cheesecloth, really?).  Although the plan was to get in, pick up items, mark them off the list, and get out, the shopping gods selected that stitch in time to be humored, and apparently I was their court jester:

D@&% ma, I just gotta say, your body is crucial! So check it, I’m new in town and…

Now, I realize that not every man’s appreciation of a womanly form will be reflected in song lyrics, sonnets or masterpieces like Alexandros of Antioch’s Venus  de Milo, but good grief dude!  And did he not notice the children popping wheelies with my shopping cart and the strategically placed left hand on the side of my face, revealing my wedding band?

…Word, you’re married?  *Whistles* Yeah, I see he gotchu that Kobe-type joint too.  Can’t be mad at a brotha for getting you off the market quick.  I mean no disrespect, but what if I was to ask for your number so we could be friends…

Huh? Let me address two issues here, right quick:

 1) Although my honey has impeccable taste in jewelry and has done his thing by bestowing upon me a multi-carat bauble, it can hardly be considered a “Kobe-type joint.”  But I’m sure if I was wearing a cherry ring pop, this dude would have been just as enthralled with its cut and clarity. He probably would’ve asked me if it was a blood diamond. 

2) How is dismissing the fact that I am married and charging ahead to ask me for my telephone number not disrespectful? THIS is why I am always race-walking in the store and pretending not to hear “compliments” when I go out!

…You just gonna shoot me down *clutches heart*? I can’t even take you out for like, lunch or something? We could go right now…

Jesus, be a fence.  Jesus, be a fence…

I mean, I could take them too; I just want to get to know you better…

Did he just proposition me and my kids?  See, I know my New Year’s Resolution was to turn over a new leaf and be less abrasive this year but this dude wants me to use my words as verbal armaments in a combat operation against his special brand of foolery.

“Hey mommy, are you okay?” *Looks dude up and down* “I think we might need to go to Target, all the stuff here is scattered all over the place and raggedy.” *Looks dude up and down again.

Clearly my honey has been schooling my big boy behind the scenes on how to be “the man” in his absence.  And although the big boy was subtle (NOT), creepy-compliment-dude didn’t push the issue and finally sulked away.

“You don’t have to thank me mom, but I am gonna tell daddy how I did!”

LOL, yes clearly the big boy has been getting pointers from his father.

So ladies, short of your child running interference for you, what are some of your most memorable ways of getting rid of that one creepy-compliment-dude? And gentlemen, do you know a creepy-compliment-dude? Is he really oblivious to a woman’s disinterest, or will his ego simply not let him take no for an answer?

You’re in Good Hands…Oh Wait, You’re with the Quirky Chick

30 Jun

I was totally prepared to craft an awe-inspiring, thought provoking and witty post today, but after stopping at the grocery store on the way home from work and happening upon some rather unbelievable auto carnage, my powers of creativity and levity have escaped me.

For the longest time, I thought that my SUV was indestructible.  I mean, take the day before Thanksgiving last year, when  this impatient man  accelerated backwards right into Black Beauty (yes, I still name my vehicles; don’t judge me).  Not only was there no damage to my ride, but Speed Racer was the one who incurred all of the damage to his shiny pick-up, complete with 30-day temporary tags.  So, to go from no destruction at the hands of a reckless demolition derby driver, to a rogue side swipe and busted side reflector that I can’t pin on anyone, surely you can understand my ire. 

With that said Pack Faithful, make sure that you thank the rude motorist who deflated my writer’s spirit today, stifling my otherwise insightful ruminations and leaving me to brood over the fact that I now have to drive around in Black Beauty with this unsightly blemish because I refuse to pay Flo and ‘dem a $500 deductible for a repair that will cost half that (which I am also not willing to pay…we’re in a recession man!). And while you do that, I’ll be wishing on said motorist and his/her offending vehicle a copious pigeon fecal paint job (I know…I’m still a work-in-progress with the whole “letting it go” concept).

Boston Celtics Fans: Leave It On The Court

14 Jun

Over the course of the NBA Finals, I’ve listened to many-a-commentator and have even chatted-up my honey and his friends about what game-changers Boston and L.A. need to implement in order to come away from this series with a championship win.  While everyone seems to believe that the emergence and productivity of Shrek, Donkey, Puss n’ Boots and Gingy (re: The Celtics Bench) will solidify Boston’s win, it seems that the lacking ingredient in the recipe of success for Los Angeles is the consistency of Lamar Odom.  What’s funny about this assessment is that apparently, the Boston Celtic fans are aware of this fact as well.

Ever since Game 3 between the Celtics and Lakers, the Boston faithful have done their best to work the nerves and get under the skin of Lamar Odom.  Whether it was the constant “beat L.A.” intoning heard throughout the arena, or the distribution of 5,000 “Khloe” masks by Boston-based website Tauntr.com to Celtics fans at the TD Garden Center last week, it seems that the common goal has been to take Odom completely out of his game.  And while I am not a Lakers fan by any stretch of the imagination and actually enjoy seeing and hearing the Lakers ribbing during the Finals (my favorite by far to date is still the group of Utah Jazz, Kobe hecklers in all white during Game 3 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals), it was the incredibly distracting and ill-mannered chanting last week by Boston fans that stunned me the most, and surely got the Laker Forward’s attention, whether he physically acknowledged it during the game or not.

While at the free-throw line during Game 3 last Tuesday, Boston fans could be heard shouting “UG-LY SIS-TER” at #7 in hopes that he would miss his shots and that his game playing would be totally disrupted.

Now, I know a lot of folks who feel some-kinda-way about Odom’s marital status to celebutante Khloe Kardashian (sister of famous-for-being-famous socialite Kim Kardashian), claiming that the nuptials between the couple after a few months of dating were nothing more than an elaborate stunt to garner attention for two stars (??) struggling to remain relevant (in the face of a fading career as a now bench player and the dowdy sister of a tabloid-queen), but for the fans to actually bring the man’s wife into the jeering? Even this Laker-hater has to cry foul on that one folks.

Now do I relish in this close series?  Indeed.

Does the aggressiveness between the two teams make for great basketball?  Absolutely.

Do I enjoy when the Boston Celtics fans (and players) are able to frustrate the L.A. Lakers?  Of course.

But do I take pleasure in, or think that it is okay for any player’s family member to be disrespected and made a spectacle of?  No, not at all.

The Celtics and Lakers players (as with any player in the National Basketball Association) are all grown men who anticipate fan foolery as a minor hazard of the job.  And although their families often sit court-side and are usually videotaped, photographed and even interviewed on occasion, that does not mean that they too should be subjected to the taunts of the clamoring crowd, even if by doing so, it freezes out the player in question.  Take for instance a similar Celtics-Fans-Going-Hard-Moment-of-Unacceptable-Proportions, back in 2002 when the New Jersey Nets and Boston met in the play-offs.  The crowd could be heard serenading Jason Kidd with chants of “wifebeater” while also rallying around Kidd’s then wife and three-year-old son with the harsh words scrawled on t-shirts (referencing the couple’s domestic abuse issues in 2001). 

C’mon Celtics enthusiasts!  I think that collectively, you guys in the arena are a lively bunch, and you certainly enhance the pace of the team’s home games, but if the best you can do to divert a player’s focus is to attack his wife or kids, then clearly you aren’t very clever or creative fans after all; and if I’m being honest, you’re actually pretty uncouth and deficient human beings. 

And really, at the end of the day, it isn’t Lamar or Khloe who’s messing up your office pool chances; it’s Kobe.  So quit all the family-bashing and break out your all-white hijabs, zoot-suits and sleeveless linen hoodie-pant sets.  Mocking Kobe is always funny, never goes out of style, and is effective if done right.  Keep in mind however, if not thoroughly planned out and executed, your taunts could very well result in him dropping 50 points on The Boston 3 Party & Company (because we all know that nobody thrives on hate better than Kobe Bryant).

But in all seriousness, the phrase “leave it on the court” (field, course, track, ring, ice, etc.) should no longer be a term simply reserved for athletes.  As the NBA Finals come down to the next few days and heads back out west, I have no doubt that Celtics and Lakers fans alike will have some pretty zealous behavior planned.  It would be nice however, to see these fanatics sustain their intensity while also maintaining some semblance of integrity; go hard, but keep the players’ families out of it guys.

What say ye?  Do you think fans that harass and taunt a player’s family are out of order? Should the family members of athletes simply be prepared for fan heckling? Should it be understood that certain aspects of a player’s life are off-limits to a fan during a game?

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