When Your Babychild Is No Longer a Babychild; That or He’s Watched Too Much Degrassi With His Sister

What I’ve come to learn about each of my children within the last decade (especially the babychild) is that they have clearly been here before…and by “here”, I mean they must’ve lived a long, worldly, previous life on this planet. What else could account for their razor sharp intellect and quick wit at such young ages? Take this evening for instance.

While putting the babychild to bed, my honey comes into the room and usurps my authority by continuing with their previous game of spies. Before I could fuss him out good and proper though, my honey whispers to our offspring that I am not his mommy, but a bad spy. The child took one good, long look at me and shrieked, “IMPOSTER” to my honey’s sheer-keel-over delight. Seriously though, it is instances like this one that cause me to actually inquire of myself about this kid’s true origin, and lately I find myself doing it more times than I care to admit!

Which leads me to the crux of this post. I am beginning to notice that the interaction between myself and the babychild is swiftly changing. While he still loves kissy faces and being held, this little boy is becoming more and more emboldened about what he likes and dislikes, and he has become fiercly independent in a lot of situations that would normally require quite a bit of hand-holding. And the stuff that comes out of his mouth…yeah, it makes me want to cancel our cable service (that or send the older Pack Children to boarding school).

Case and point: It was once again time for the babychild’s multi-hour hair-wash-dry-braid ritual (the poor kid has my moon face and his dad’s cranial circumference, so his head shape is totally incompatible with fades and ceasars) and I had him all psyched up with fruit snacks and Dora The Explorer reruns. Making early progress and getting completely done with the washing and drying, I was halfway through the braiding, when my comb got caught in a pretty massive tangle. The initially tugging of course, caused the babychild to wail in pain and unapologetically breach our sit-still-till-mommy’s-done agreement. Not only that, but he stood with huge crocodile tears in his eyes and began slowly backing away from me. And no matter how profusely I apologized, he wanted no parts of my contriteness or my plans for his makeover. In the break-your-heart voice that only your offspring could muster, the babychild proceeded to tell me what he really thought of the operation I was running.

“I don’t forgive you mom-ma (sniff, sniff, whimper), you ruined my life!”

HUH?

Now, I knew that this instance of dependent insurgence would one day descend upon the Pack Household, but good grief! I totally expected to be dealing with a pimply, hormonally imbalanced teen when it did, not my (otherwise) sweet toddler who gives me wet “sugar” when I get home from work each day, and rides on my swiffer sweeper like a witch on a broom, calling it his “Dune Buggie.”

Sigh.

I think I may have my hands FULL with this one!

Is it a Case of “Let He Without Sin”…Or “Therefore, Rid Yourselves of Hypocrisy”?

As is normally the case, tonight’s regularly scheduled post was already prepared (yet another motherhood angst draft completed and in mid-revision) before the BREAKING NEWS bomb was dropped in my inbox all Hiroshima-like this evening.  Thanks to cable news networks and the instantaneous nature of the social networks that I subscribe to, my Twitter Timeline, Instant Messengers and emails pretty much imploded my Blackberry amid news of yet another seemingly fallen Good Reverend.

According to CNN.com, two male parishioners have alleged sexual misconduct and coercion by an esteemed Atlanta Pastor:

Two Georgia men have filed a lawsuit claiming that prominent Atlanta, Georgia, pastor Eddie Long coerced them into sex.

The suits, filed Tuesday in DeKalb County, Georgia, allege that Long used his position as a spiritual authority and bishop to coerce young male members and employees of his New Birth Missionary Baptist Church into sex.

“Defendant Long has a pattern and practice of singling out a select group of young male church members and using his authority as Bishop over them to ultimately bring them to a point of engaging in a sexual relationship,” the suits allege.

Long is considered one of the nation’s top black preachers. His church has more 25,000 members, according to the suit, and was the site of Coretta Scott King’s 2006 funeral, attended by then-President George W. Bush and three previous presidents. King was the widow of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

The pastor took one plaintiff, Anthony Flagg, 21, on overnight trips to a half-dozen American cities in recent years, Flagg’s suit alleges.

“Long shared a bedroom and engaged in intimate sexual contact with plaintiff Flagg including kissing, massaging, masturbating of plaintiff Flagg by defendant Long and oral sexual contact,” the suit says.

Long took the other plaintiff, Maurice Murray Robinson, 20, to Auckland, New Zealand, in October 2008 for his 18th birthday and engaged in oral sex with him, Robinson’s suit alleges.

“Following the New Zealand Trip, Defendant Long regularly engaged in sexual touching, and other sexual acts with Plaintiff Robinson,” Robinson’s suit alleges.

Long spokesman Art Franklin said Tuesday that “we categorically deny the allegations.”

“It is very unfortunate that someone has taken this course of action,” he said. “Our law firm will be able to respond once attorneys have had an opportunity to review the lawsuit.”

Long frequently denounces homosexual behavior. A 2007 article in the Southern Poverty Law Center’s magazine called him “one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders in the religiously based anti-gay movement.”

“Everybody knows that a bishop or church pastor … cannot have any sort of sexual relations or sexual relationship with one of your parishioners,” the lawyer, B.J. Bernstein, said at a news conference Tuesday evening. “And even worse to have it with two young men who trusted him and got to know him at a very young age.”

Bernstein said she has alerted federal authorities about the allegations.

In June, Robinson was arrested and charged with burglary in connection with a break-in to Long’s office. An iPhone, iPad and other items — more than $1,300 worth — were taken from the office, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.

On Tuesday, Bernstein said the theft was Robinson’s attempt to retaliate against the pastor. She said that once Robinson began telling others about his experience with Long, “he realized he wasn’t the only one.”

“It made [Robinson] angry,” she said.

Both plaintiffs said the pastor, his church and church employees gave them cash and lavish gifts that ranged from cars to college tuition.

The suits also said that Long framed the sexual relationships as religious in nature.

The suits allege that Long chose the plaintiffs to be his “Spiritual Sons,” a program that allegedly includes other young men from the church.

Flagg moved into a home owned by another New Birth pastor when he was a high school junior, according to the suit, where Long would sometimes share a bed with him. Flagg was eventually put on the church’s payroll, his suit alleges, with Long personally delivering his checks.

Flagg’s suit says that Long presided over a spiritual “covenant” ceremony between the two of them.

“It was essentially a marriage ceremony, with candles, exchange of jewelry, and biblical quotes,” Bernstein said Tuesday. “The bishop [told] him I will always have your back and you will always have mine.”

Robinson’s suit alleges that “Defendant Long would use Holy Scripture to discuss and justify the intimate relationship between himself and Plaintiff Robinson.”

The suits are seeking unspecified amounts of punitive damages from Long on various counts, ranging from negligence to breach of fiduciary duty.

Now, I will be the first to admit that although I don’t preach eternally damnation to random strangers and infidels or claim to possess the power to evoke a Fire and Brimstone downpour on all non-believers (you know, that new-age religion that some on The Right and many of those who travel on The Tea Party Express would have you believe that Christianity is all about), as a compassionate church-going, God-loving, Kingdom Striver, these allegations were incredibly disturbing.  And not so much because there are implications of gross sexual impropriety committed by a well-known and respected man of the cloth; one of the faces of the black “mega-church” culture, but because people have used this story to further vilify Christianity, “the body” and collective church-going as a whole. 

I cannot tell you how many comments I’ve read or responded to today that ranged from joking about whether Bishop Long’s S-Curl and silk too-tight shirts would be charged as accessories to this crime to people accusing the man of pedophilia with adolescent boys.  Please understand that I don’t repeat these crass opinions as a way in which to pass judgment. I only mention them to show how easy it was for the world to jump on the “there-goes-another-preacher-spending-my-up-my-tithe-while-creeping-with-the-choir-boy” bandwagon without having heard a single word in the way of Bishop Long’s side of the story.  Moreover, I know in media how important it is to get “the jump” on a hot and fresh story (as I can guarantee every blogger and their momma will probably be weighing in on this topic tomorrow morning, if they’ve not already done so) but I have to wonder if CNN.com, with more than 18,000 recommendations of this story via Facebook and it being touted as the most popular article on their website, cared more about the sensation that this story would garner as opposed to reporting on the whole story in its entirety.  Now, far be it for me to suggest that Bishop Long’s two accusers in this case are peddling falsehoods; I am not saying that at all.  I just think that we should all be careful to consider not only people’s motives in instances like this, but also the source from which such information would come.

What I do know to be true however, is my sincere desire for fact, accuracy and vindication to reign supreme and be made known when this snafu is all said and done.  As crazy as this situation is though, it’s bound to get even uglier before it gets resolved.  That is all the more reason why (in my opinion) we have to step out of our cloak of judgment and not put our mouth on a situation we are only privy to via second hand revelation. 

In the book of 1 Peter, it talks about how the people of God shouldn’t be surprised at being mistreated and made to suffer as a result of doing the Lord’s work (paraphrasing), while on the other hand the book of Matthew addresses the sadness and destruction that people bring upon themselves as a result of the sinful behaviors they allow in their lives.  In reading just these two bible passages it is evident that God will not be mocked, and I have a sneaking suspicion that one way or another this incident will be the catalyst for God allowing people to be exposed for who and what they truly are.

Yahoo Credit Fail: Who’s Who in The Town?

I don’t know about you, but if I’m a virtually unknown big screen actress playing the love interest and banking manager connected to bank robber mastermind Ben Affleck in the most anticipated Boston based movie since, eh, I dunno, The Departed; then I would greatly appreciate my identity being clearly defined with some accurate name/image agreement in all of the corresponding advertisements for my film (but hey, that’s just me).

Yahoo, the recent bane of my cyber existence with their poor management of the most random and asinine junk mail that ends up in my email inbox, their seemingly out of touch front page stories, not to mention their deplorable yahoo news comment section and message boards, promoted an interactive ad on their site today for the release of the Affleck directed Heisty-Thriller, “The Town”. 

Taking a quick peek at the advert to see who all was in the film, I noticed that the name/photo assignment was just a little out of sync.  Now usually, with the national unemployment rate at 9.6%, the President’s approval rating just holding on for dear life at favorable and a two-front war going on overseas, this sort of oversight is normally excusable.  But the reality is this: Yahoo is a company that makes lots of money through companies and businesses advertising with them.  They claim to have the world’s most visited homepage, are a huge part of the instantaneous media revolution, and can charge $14.32 per share (money just as easily spent on a durable tube of M.A.C. designer lip gloss), but they can’t differentiate between John Hamm and Rebecca Hall?

*Boo!*

But don’t fret Yahoo; after I Googling the cast of “The Town” to ensure their faces coincided properly with the names on your ad, I can assure you that your 2 of 5 accuracy rating (similar to my impromptu poll of users who prefer Yahoo to other search engines) is firmly intact.

How to Negate Cheating Husband Rumors: Bikini Shots

Okay, I’ll admit it; I’ve long been an admirer of cougar-extraordinaire Demi Moore, who’s been the premiere representative for hot and fit moms across the country for the past several years.  Mother of three and wife of Hollywood super cub Ashton Kutcher, Moore has made balancing motherhood, having a successful career and aging (gracefully) traits that women half her age could only hope to replicate.

So news of what can only be described as Demi’s recent self-esteem boosting twitpics last week seem especially out of character for the seemingly “got-it-together” starlet.

Another celebrity Twitter casualty, Demi Moore tweeted, then deleted a couple of steamy bikini self-portraits on September 1 after (smut-rag) Star Magazine reported that a “source” had confirmed seeing Ashton Kutcher compromisingly cozy with an unknown blonde in a Los Angeles restaurant.

Like any “victimized” star, Kutcher quickly and angrily took to Twitter in his own defense:

“I think Star Magazine calling me a ‘cheater’ qualifies as defamation of character. I hope my lawyer agrees.”

 “Star Magazine – you don’t get to stand behind ‘freedom of the press’ when you are writing fiction.”

Oh Snap!

And although Moore obviously agreed with her hubby and dismissed Star’s claims (“Excellent point my love!” she tweeted in response to her beau’s mini-rant), it clearly did not stop her from vamping it up for a Twitter bathroom photo session a few tweets later to give all of her followers an eyeful of…her shades.

Um, Demi?  If I may be so bold as to impart these 3 nuggets:

1.  Everyone on the planet knows that (aside from Heidi Klum) you have the best post-baby body ever (re)created!  Do scanty potty shots really make you feel more secure about yourself and your marriage?  I mean really, when you have ever cared what the media had to say about you (you starred in Striptease for Pete’s sake). 
2. You didn’t have to counter Star Magazine’s infidelity claims with a “why would he cheat when he has this at home” social media pictorial spread.  You are better than that Mrs. Kutcher, and you know it; the fact that you deleted the pictures says as much.  The paparazzi are always going to have something to say, and nine times out of ten, it’ll probably be a snifter full of lies. 
3. Stop getting so caught up in what we spectators-of-your life think, and instead, just live your life for YOU…oh yeah, and please delete your twitter account!

Buffoon of The Week: Cells Inside Cells

It is no secret that although designed to detain, reform and separate the dangerous and felonious criminal element from the rest of the law-abiding population, prisons are no longer the isolated and secure institutions that we once believed them to be.  Whether in HBO’s super-series “Oz,” where top-of-the-food-chain prison Simon Adebisi was depicted as an incarcerated kingpin enjoying the sort of luxuries inside the poky (no pun intended) that most people earning a minimum wage salary could hardly afford, or in the recent and continuing reports surrounding inmate amenities at the various “Club Feds” around the country, it has become increasingly difficult to believe that prisoners are learning the error of their ways, much less ceasing the sort of shenanigans that landed them behind bars in the first place when it is revealed that in a lot of cases, they are receiving “special treatment” in the way of illegal prison imports.

One consistent and very detrimental (when ultimately discovered) contraband favorite is the cell phone.  Whether smuggled in from visitors, dirty corrections officers or “cavity concealment”, inmates are getting their hands on these devices in record numbers and getting a direct and immediate pipeline to the outside world.  Take for instance, a Texas convict whose mother called the jailhouse Warden to inquire as to why her son’s cell phone reception was so poor, or the two prisoners in Maryland; one who arranged the murder of a witness in a homicide case, the other who called a state legislator to complain about prison conditions, officials are at their wits end trying to keep these tools of communication out of their facilities.

I have to admit though, one of the most ingenious (though archaic) methods to get cell phones inside jails to date, has got to be the recent incident out of Sao Paulo, Brazil.  Police there reportedly arrested a 17-year-old after he shot arrows with cell phones attached to them over the walls of a prison in southern Brazil to inmates eagerly awaiting them on the other side.  The worst part about this story isn’t the fact that the kid was even allowed to get close enough to the prison with a bow and arrow in hand, but the fact that he wouldn’t even have gotten caught if his Robin Hood antics hadn’t ended with him accidently shooting an officer in the back.

Now, I am sure that just like in the states, most police and correction officers in Sao Paulo are over worked and underpaid; but not noticing, or simply overlooking some dude shooting arrows into your prison…with cell phones dangling from them???? It’s a wonder that that prison isn’t a proverbial Emerald City (yet another Oz reference, for those not familiar with the criminal utopia).

Yeah, yall get it this week *Hands Buffoonery Award to Sao Paulo’s finest*

We Are Family…But Sometimes I Wonder If I’m Adopted: Prologue

Funny thing about promising to share your personal business on a blog: people actually want to read it!  Such has been the case this week.  I literally had about 5 laugh out loud moments in response to the emails I’ve received asking how my Family Reunion went last week and when I was going to blog about it.  Let me see, how do I put this delicately?

Wooooo-Saaaaaaw! *Massages Earlobe*

Yeah, well as funny as I found the inquiries, the life and times of Tiff this past weekend were anything but.  What’s weird is that I know that writing about my unique experience would certainly purge some of these disagreeable emotions that I have bottled up inside of me as a result of my time away, but there is just so much to say, and I’m afraid that if handled clumsily, would irreversible damage what’s left of my relationship with some folks.

The reality however, is that I have been considering and reconsidering the best approach on how to recount this saga (and not get disowned) since Monday with no clear direction for the debacle tale just yet.  Obviously,  I need to let Jesus Take the Wheel Keyboard and simply revisit the topic tomorrow.

In the meantime, misery loves company.  Make me feel better by sharing your worst, unbelievable or most memorable Family Reunion/Get-Together experiences.

Buffoon of the Week: The Geek Squad!

As I spent much of the business day yesterday preparing to be away from the office for the rest of the week, I pretty much had a heart attack upon learning that my work laptop had become infected with a virus.

While preparing my daily to do list, drinking the customary cup of Dunkin’s coffee and reading the latest online news stories, a link popped up indicating that my computer’s antivirus protection had been compromised and that a malicious Trojan horse was now galloping all up and through my system and potentially cataloging my passwords.  Like any practical computer user, I was pretty upset.  Not only do I regularly engage in safe online behavior, but I have pricey antivirus software installed on my machine, and I’ve only had the darn thing for about 40 days!

So yeah, with my computer popping up 20 error messages per minute and in need of a Roman Catholic Church exorcism, I could only sit at my desk (on the verge of tears) and contemplate how in the world I was going to be able to complete all of my work for the day before leaving to spending the next four days at my family reunion.  But before I completely fell apart, I remembered that my laptop was still under warranty and that when I purchased it, I included Geek Squad services for 6 months.  With that bit of information and my purchase receipt in hand, I made a quick dash from the office down the street to Best Buy to get my PC exorcized.

When I reached the service desk, a knowledgeable young man who totally embodied all things geek (we’ll call him Ralph) asked how he could help me.  After explaining that my machine was possessed and needed a virus purged from its innards, he took a look at it and pretty much confirmed what I already knew.  My computer did indeed have a virus known as a rouge antivirus.  This crafty little bugger first issues pop-up upon pop-up announcing that the computer is infected, embeds itself into any repair software (making it useless), then poses as an antivirus solution with the hope that the unsuspecting computer user will purchase it using their credit card.  Once the credit card numbers are logged, the virus’ creator has everything he needs to begin fraudulent credit activity.

Once I was able to pop my eyes back in my head, I asked Ralph what my options were.  He eased my mind (a little) by sharing that the virus was likely not logging any of my password information, but the virus only said it was as a way to encourage me to use the bogus antivirus purchase prompt.  He did say however that I was not going to be able to access any of my computer’s hardware, software or internet components until I got the virus successfully removed from the laptop.  Resigned to the fact that I’d have to spend more than my lunch hours at Best Buy waiting for the repair (which would ultimately mean getting back to work and playing catch-up well into the evening), I told Ralph to do whatever he needed to do to get my PC back to basics.

Of course things would not go this easily; that would be too much like right.  After drawing up all of the necessary paperwork, Ralph dropped the ultimate bomb…

“Five to seven days?!” I croaked, startling the man behind me with the prettiest inverted bob haircut I’ve ever seen, Coach Messenger Bag and matching wedges.

Ralph began explaining patiently, as if he expected my indignant outburst.

“$200.00 to expedite the service, and I still won’t get my laptop back until tomorrow? Tomorrow I will be out of town. I need my laptop today.”

Clarifying further that the soonest he could have the work done would be in 24 hours, Ralph slid the paperwork across the counter for me to review and sign.

“Wait. What???  What is this $300.00 for?  I have a warranty and I’ve paid for Geek Squad coverage!” surely Best Buy security was on standby at this point.

Ralph said that the warranty was only for basic computer issues and manufacturer’s oversights and that the purchased Geek Squad service did not cover repair costs for malicious viruses. *Blank Stare*

Weighing the actual cost, the time and my own personal plans, I politely told Ralph that I appreciated his help, but wouldn’t be requiring his services at the moment.  Leaving Best Buy feeling completely defeated, I hopped in my car and headed back for my office.  When I returned, I called our in-office Tech/Media/IT handy guy to see if he could make heads or tails of what was going on with my PC.  After telling me that he’d be able to stop by in about 2 hours, I sat flustered at my desk and tried to figure out what non-computer related work I could complete while I waited for him.

And then, like Chrisette Michele…I had an epiphany.  Turning on my laptop, I logged in as a guest user as opposed to using my corrupted normal login.  Once set-up, I immediately noticed that not a single pop-up was displayed within the realm of the never used guest login.  Crossing my fingers, I proceeded to access System Restore from the start menu.  When it queued up, I waited patiently as restore points from the day, and even the week before were displayed.  Deciding to play it safe, I selected the restore point for last Tuesday.  When the computer then began going through its machinations and abruptly shut down, I was a little leery.  Still, I took a chance and powered up and logged on as usual.  Holding my breath, the background of me, the honey and a grinning babychild was displayed, pop-up free.  Tempting fate, I opened up an internet window (or two) and checked a few webpages.  When still there was no evidence of foul play, I began (again) the process of knocking out my now seemingly insurmountable to-do list.  7 hours and a 9:05pm “where are you?” call later, I scratched the last action item off of my sticky pad and proceeded to lock up the office and head for home.

The moral of this story: 1) Computer virus creators are the devil, 2) If you let a dude in glasses, a shirt and tie and an orange name tag get away with charging you $500.00 for 2 minutes worth of work, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I think would be a nice added asset to your portfolio 3) Fear of the technologic unknown will in many cases override common sense, oh, and 4) Ralph and The Geek Squad are without question the most offensive buffoons of the week!

The Curious Case of Sarah Oblivious

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It is never my intention to torture The Pack Faithful with my daily observations and posts, but I swear…I am, and remain on a daily basis, completely baffled by the obtuse musings and largely droll (though passed off as legitimate) analysis that Sarah Palin will duct tape together and dispense at any given time as some sort of strategic quasi-counter move against the Democrats (although she seems to  take perverse pleasure in targeting the POTUS specifically) to elicit some sort of intrinsic call-to-arms response from all of the real Americans in this here country.  As real Americans yourselves, do not her oftentimes derisive and divisive comments perplex you too, as well and make you wonder what “America” Sarah Palin hopes to take back (and from whom) and what kind of American values she is passing on to Trig and ‘dem?

I’ve said it many times before, but Mrs. Palin is a scary individual.  The fact that she has proven to be contentedly and blissfully ignorant about SO much, yet has the ear of The Earl Grey Uprising and many other uber-conservatives who fancy frameless eyewear, highlighted up do’s and who simply cannot be bothered with fact-checking, is an utterly terrifying reality.  I mean, from her erroneous boasts of being a geography aficionado to her false claims of stellar word-smithery, how in the caribou is anyone still taking Mrs. I-Can-See-Russia-From-My-Back-Yard seriously?

And wouldn’t you know it; seems as though Alaska’s former governor can now add foreign language authority and part-time presidential anatomy expert (seeing as how she has nothing else to do with her life) to her resume of randomness and inaccuracy.  In an appearance on “Fox News Sunday” this past weekend, Palin stated frankly that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer had the cojones that President Obama did not have to properly tackle the nation’s illegal immigration issue.

Now, we can’t be mad at Sarah for conjuring up brownie points with the Republican base and her (former) political peers with her recent criticism of the president; that’s sort of the nature of the beast when you toe the political line.  Also, as an American citizen she does have the right to critique her president if she believes that he is being craven on issues that she is passionate about.  Unfortunately for Palin, far too often she comes off as uninformed, nonsensical and nit-picky when she chooses to show-up to do battle against a man whom she is ill-equipped to contend with in any facet of life; politically, cerebrally or otherwise.

But hey, perhaps I am being far too critical of Mama Grizzly (oh, that’s right *snaps fingers*, she is also a covert member of the subspecies Ursus arctos).  It could be that exhibiting her mastery of the language of America’s largest immigrant population (although done to crudely emphasize the president’s supposed ineffectiveness on immigration reform) is Mrs. Palin’s first-step in proactively tackling immigration reform herself…yeah, no.

Realistically, what I would challenge Sarah from Wasilla to proactively tackle would be more quality time with her family.  I’d imagine that if she spent as much time catering to the needs of her children as she does taking pot shots at the president, then perhaps her PR people wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to circumvent the imagery of her daughter as a teen mother statistic throughout the 2008 campaign and she wouldn’t constantly be fielding questions now about Bristol and Levi’s on again/off again/on again/we stopped keeping count/engagement.

Perhaps what Sarah truly needs is the cojones to admit that she could learn something useful by taking a page from her favorite whipping boy’s parenting book!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In Case You Missed It…The Bargain Shopper’s Twitter Rant

I realize that many of The Pack readers don’t partake in “The Twitter” foolery technology, so they clearly were not privy to my mini-meltdown this past weekend after having engaged in an unsolicited conversation with a kind but oblivious employee at Super Walmart.  In case I was unclear in my tweets, she pretty much solidified in my mind the decision to return to Whole Foods shopperdom:

Revenge of The Nerd

It’s so funny for me to see old 80’s sitcoms that are now in syndication and wonder what ever became of the characters that I grew up watching (I’d like to take a moment to officially issue an All-Points Bulletin for Charmaine Brown, DJ Tanner and Lisa Turtle). 

This was the case a few years ago when that nasty little rumor about Jaleel White taking his own life made its rounds on the internet.  After going through the 5 Stages of Grief only to later “snopes” the story and discovered that it was false, I again took to the internet (you’d think I’d learn) to see what really became of Steve Urkel’s real-life persona.  Surprisingly, long gone were the suspenders, coke-bottle glasses and overall scrawniness.  The aesthetically challenged duckling with the unrequited feelings for Laura Winslow had indeed developed into a swan matured mallard.  White’s transformation of course made me very pleased, as I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the socially awkward and tend to root emphatically for them, even if said underdog is a made up character with overly embellished geeky features.  But although White had clearly grown up and detached himself from his former character, it was his latest alleged thuggery that had me comparing his current and former selves while wondering, when in the world did Urkel get gully?

While it currently does not appear that charges against him will be pursued, it does seem that the dust has settled a bit on the latest “Men Behaving Badly: Hollywood Actors Edition” story involving White and his baby’s mother. 

According to several media outlets, the LAPD recently investigated claims made by Bridget Hardy that Jaleel White punched her in the breast (implant) while the two were driving down a Los Angeles freeway, and that he also slapped and pushed her into a toilet at their home.  White and his reps have maintained that the incident never happened and that the accusations were nothing more than a ploy by his daughter’s mother to sully his good name since they are currently engaged in heated custody issues.

The reality is however, that no one except the two parties involved can say with complete certainty what is true and what are lies, but the fact that the charges were dropped against White due to there not being enough evidence to pursue, as well as questions concerning Hardy’s credibility seem to have quelled any real media blitz over this story.  Still, for Jaleel White’s sake, I hope the allegations are untrue.  He has got to know that no matter how hard he tries to disassociate himself from Steve Urkel, the whole Mel-Gibson-Raging-Lunatic alternative is not the look that he ought to be going for.  And even though he’d be “off the hook” legally, the court of public opinion would still completely fricassee what was left of his career and discard the bones…Chris Brown, anyone?