The Phrase, “Silence is Golden” Was Meant for Paul Shirley

28 Jan

All I want to do after a hard day on the J-O-B is slide on my fuzzy slippers, snuggle beneath the down comforter and watch The Australian Open. What’s hard to understand about that? I don’t want to think about the chick standing in my way at Super Wal-mart who thought she was the queen of the yogurt section, thus impeding my progress, or bass-ackwards Chris Matthews and his propensity for forgetting the president’s blackness, or the idiotic stylings of Paul Shirley.

Who is Paul Shirley, you ask?  Don’t worry, you aren’t alone.  I can guarantee you that most people have no inkling who Paul Shirley is, which makes his buffoonery all the more ridiculous.  The way that he was spouting it off, all full of righteous indignation, fire and brimstone (and of course, hot air), you’d have thought the man had some sort of special historical insight or an in-depth anthropological  vantage point that the rest of us were simply too dim to recognize. Nope, not the case.  Just another big mouth (former) athlete determined to make a burro out of himself and his (poor) parents. And alas, I cannot even call him a dumb jock, as doing so would be offensive to intellectually-challenged athletes everywhere.

So class, lemme tell you a little story about a man named Paul Shirley.  He played college basketball for Iowa State once upon a time, and was drafted into the National Basketball Association were he spent three years and appointed himself one of the “whitest players in the NBA”.  The End.

Now, let’s explore “Where Are They Now: Paul Shirley.”  Shirley spends much of his time now freelancing for ESPN and telling the Haitian people what a bother they are (you know, with all that suffering and dying under fallen buildings they’ve recently started doing) and how they won’t get one cent of his hard (riding the pine) earned money because he can’t ensure they’ll do anything constructive with it. 

And start belligerent rant now:

I haven’t donated a cent to the Haitian relief effort. And I probably will not.

I haven’t donated to the Haitian relief effort for the same reason that I don’t give money to homeless men on the street. Based on past experiences, I don’t think the guy with the sign that reads “Need Your Help” is going to do anything constructive with the dollar I might give him. If I use history as my guide, I don’t think the people of Haiti will do much with my money either.

… Shouldn’t much of the responsibility for the disaster lie with the victims of that disaster?

Shouldn’t there be some discourse on how the millions of dollars that are being poured into Haiti will be spent? And at least a slight reprimand for the conditions prior to the earthquake? Some kind of inquisition? Something like this?:

Dear Haitians –

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

Um…

Beelzebub must be so proud of this one.  I think I can actually visualize him patting Shirley atop the head, slapping him on the back and shouting “atta boy!”  I mean, Rush and Pat’s bile were one thing, but I think I am even more disturbed by Shirley’s viewpoint because it is laced with malicious and illogical thought, misguided ire and dense cluelessness . To insinuate that the people of Port-au-Prince somehow enjoy squalor and have to be instructed not to recreate it is simply shocking.  No mention of tyranny, political unrest or the embargoes imposed on Haiti; all contributors to the nations current impoverished state, because that of course would require research, reasoning and rational thought…the Three R’s that Shirley and his smug self never bothered to learn.

One thing he did learn after his “fend for yourself Haiti” tirade however, was that he’d soon be getting a pink slip.  In a statement addressing Shirley’s firing, ESPN wrote: “: “The views he expressed…of course do not at all reflect our company’s views on the Haiti relief efforts. He will no longer contribute to ESPN.”

I sure hope Paul Shirley isn’t planning to file for unemployment.  Seeing as how my tax dollars contribute to that program, I just can’t be sure that he’ll do anything constructive with them.

But hey, this is the land of opportunity. Even after this ABYSMAL FAILURE in humanity, I am sure there is still work out there for him.  Hey VH1, I think we’ve found the valedictorian of your Tool Academy!

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