From The “What Were They Thinking Files”: Hoe N It. Wait…What?!

Because I give myself an extra ten minute window, say a prayer to ward off road rage and typically drive in a defensive manner, I am seldom caught off-guard or by surprise when it comes to the events and goings on surrounding my morning commute.

That is, until the *one* day I decided to carpool with the honey. As a card carrying member of the “Gas Prices Are Out of Control” Party (a sub set of The “Rent is Too Darn High” Party), Anytime I am spending more than $80.00 in a week just to get to and from work, the honey and I get creative with our modes of transportation. On this particular day as we were heading to work, we pulled up behind a Chevy Tahoe with Vanity Plates. As a Vanity Plate owner myself and always interested in deciphering people’s creativity, I proceeded to read the plates aloud.

“Hoe N It? Wait…Ho’ing It?”

After some uncontrollable peels of laughter, I insisted that my honey get in the lane next to the truck to see what manner of special person would be driving with such a suggestive label on their vehicle. As he changed lanes and kept pace (none too discreetly) with the truck, we both looked to our left, and set eyes upon a blond haired, blue eyed woman sipping a venti brew from Starbucks, in a total power suit.

“Perhaps she really enjoys gardening,” the honey snorted. “And if not, and she’s just a freakity-freak, at least no one has to guess. See, she has the right idea! If more of yall woman would just put it on out there and let a dude know what it is or what it ain’t up front, there would be far less misunderstanding in relationships!”

Rolling my eyes at his half-joke, half-philosophical attempt at relationship counseling, I slapped his arm and my forehead at the same time as the light bulb fianlly came on.

“Oh, Hoe N It! Tahoe‘ing It!!!”

Now, I realize that some people really do love their vehicles, but that double entendre really takes the cake…and likely results in that lady getting some pretty cheeky propositions, I’m sure!!!

Another Housewife Bites the Dust

In all of last week’s excitement (you know, the shaking, quaking and wet & wild weather), I didn’t get the opportunity to mention the reason for my recent state of mourning.

Of all of the Georgia peaches who televise their lives, relationships and business endeavors for the sake of free publicity and a steady income stream, I never thought in a million years that I’d be talking about the split of The Hartwells. But alas, a few weekends ago, Lisa Wu Hartwell took to Twitter (publicist smublicist) to announce the saddening news in shorthand:

“Sadly. We r separated but wld NEVER b over money.  That is so far frm the truth. Wish ppl cld respect ppl’s privacy during times like these.”

But for as fond of Lisa as I am out of all the original RHOA cast, when I read that social media release, I wanted to thump her right in between the eyes!  Two things here: firstly, not to discount the effectiveness of social media for instantaneous updates and fast circulation of news (think #ArabSpring, #OsamaBinLadenDeath, #BeyoncesBabyAlreadyHasABetterCreditScoreThanYours) but how does one complain about the lack of privacy during the difficult time surrounding one’s separation, yet announces such an event on Twitter?  Secondly, as cost effective as sharing the news would be sans a publicist’s statement, treating the stalling and uncertainty of a marriage as a 140-character exposé seems more than a bit indelicate to me.  In her defense though, it seemed that effective reasoning eventually struck, because Lisa did delete the Twitter posting the following Monday.

Seriously though, with the shock of Eric Snow stepping out on Deshawn, the hot mess that was first Kim & Big Papa, then the hasty shift to her NFL Baller baby daddy, NeNe and Greg’s explosive martial fallout, the death of Kandi’s fiancé AJ, Sheree’s continuous battle for acceptable spousal and child support and Phaedra and Apollo’s legal-slash-white collar collaboration, Lisa Wu Hartwell and her former NFLer hubby Ed Hartwell seemed to be the most stable and quite honestly, the most endearing couple in Atlanta at 10pm on Sunday nights.

During the two seasons that the show gave us all a sneak peek at the charming couple living the fabulous life back in 2008 and 2009 though, the Hartwells were working through some financial hardships, as they filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy Protection just one year prior in 2007.  They would later lose their home to foreclosure in 2009 (what Lisa described on the show as “downsizing”).  But although she dismissed financial matters as reason for the separation, I’m sure that many of her fans and skeptics alike are wondering if there could be any truth behind the speculations.

Personally, I am hoping for the best for Lisa and Ed, and wishing for a reconciliation between the two.  And not only because I enjoyed their on-air chemistry (selfish, I know).  In reality, a big part of my reasoning (their happiness notwithstanding) is because I’d hate for Bravo to look at yet another pair of reality stars tanking at marriage and end up producing the new Franchise, “Real Alimony Recipients of [insert city here]”.

Maybe Baby? Beyonce Confirms Pregnancy

Forget a People Magazine interview or even an Oprah come-back-for-one-more-episode exclusive.  What better way to break the news of her successful first trimester than live at the 2011 MTV Music Awards?

She’s conquered the Music Industry as 1/3 of a Girl Group, skyrocketed as an International Soloist, bulldozed her way into the fashion world and hijacked the Movie Industry as an actress (depending on who you ask).  The only natural progression for the Queen Bey at this point would be motherhood, no?  Beaming at the MTV Music Awards, Beyonce debuted her fully covered vermillion baby bump for her fans, and the world to behold.

Later during the show as she performed her new single “Love On Top” in a haute couture tuxedo with a sequined purple jacket, Mrs. Carter belted out her love for her baby’s daddy then ended the performance by ripping open her jacket and exposing and rubbing her maternity pants waistband and protruding belly.

Welp, while congrats certainly are in order for the expecting couple, I suppose this not-to-subtle reveal puts an end to Sean and Beyonce’s whole clandestine quest to keep their relationship out of the public eye now doesn’t it?

 

Dinner and a Movie: The Pack Household Style

The weather has held off, the kiddies are ready for school tomorrow, I’ve got a tone of work done today and I even had a power nap for the ages!  All that’s left now is to convince the family that the VMA’s and True Blood can be DVR’d and that Family Movie Night with Thor, Goobers, Raisinettes and Extra Buttery Redenbacher is exactly what the doctor ordered!

Irene, Get Lost Already!

To say that this has been a tumultuous evening would be an understatement. With all of the Hurricane Irene hysteria going on, I figured I could actually get a little more work done by staying at the office late today and then bypass the rush hour traffic and market mania altogether.

Unfortunately, “crazy” doesn’t have a specified time period or time limit in which it reveals itself. Not only was I sitting in a bumper to bumper standstill well after 6pm, but in my “wisdom” to hit the market around 10pm to avoid all the congestion, not only where the lines long, but the merchandise was sparse. I don’t even have to tell you what store I visited that had people angry that their only options were the $3.99 loaves of whole wheat bread, do I?

But seriously, Irene (in all of her Category 2 glory) isn’t even projected to affect the area too badly this far inland, yet she has certainly already gotten the people around here grocery shopping like it was the Snowmaggedon of 2010!

Now trust me, I am certainly not making light of the various levels of preparedness that make people feel comfortable; I have experienced enough hurricanes in my life to take them and the preparations involved seriously. I am just amused and a bit incredulous at the various non-essential items I noticed out of stock as I shopped to fill my own coffers this evening. Sure, the customary water, eggs, milk and bread…but the libation aisle was also on the bare (I’m talking Mother Hubbard) side.

I guess one might infer that the masses will be partaking of a true-to-form communion at home as Irene passes by this weekend, huh?

You guys be safe.

Slave Earrings: Not Haute!

What trendy woman among us hasn’t at one time or another while shopping seen a beautiful Jewish Tichel and thought, “oh, what a fabulous Holocaust headscarf”, or an intricately beaded pair of Native American buckskin moccasins and said, “I’d simply love to own those Reservation Booties”?  Hopefully, none of us!!  Apparently though, at Italian Vogue cultural insensitivity and racial offensiveness seem par for the course.

In the August edition of the fashion magazine, the culturally crude concept of “Slave Earrings” were introduced, rather casually, to the masses. Alongside the images of the large and decorative hoop earrings (strategically donned by a decidedly European looking model, I imagine) was more descriptive text about the jewelry:

Wow.  The write-up actually reads rather matter-of-factly, and that in and of itself is what proves so problematic.  How the editors at Vogue could think that the inhumane history and long-lasting effects of slavery could be so easily and flippantly relegated to some dated looking earbobs, that if I’m being honest, look more like the pair of door knockers I begged my mother to buy me in 1993 than some high fashion innovation is unfathomable and lost on me.

But of course, amidst some very vocal opinions and complaints from everyone from Vogue readers to social media responders, Italian Vogue’s editor-in-chief eventually spoke up on the matter.

“We apologize for the inconvenience. It is a matter of really bad translation from Italian into English.  The Italian word, which defines those kind of earrings, should instead be translated into ‘ethnic style earrings’. Again, we are sorry about this mistake which we have just amended in the website,” the magazine’s editor-in-chief Franca Sozzani said in a statement to press.

What’s really a shame is the fact that 1) Sozzani couldn’t be bothered with contrition because clearly translation was the real culprit at work here and 2) she’d think that the uproar over the use of the term slave earrings would be nothing more than a mere inconvenience.  The kick in the couture however was that in an effort to assuage the criticisms, the magazine’s English translated website removed the offensive term and replaced it with Ethnic Earrings; you know, because “slave” and “ethnic” are substitutable.

But to prove that I’m not just being uber sensitive about race matters as they relate to the fashion industry, and that Italian Vogue and it’s writers are indeed clueless, you don’t have to take my word, just ask a Supermodel.

“I’m a huge fan of Franca Sozzani and Vogue Italia’s website because they have a whole section on black models,” model Iman said to Fashionista Executive Editor Leah Chernikoff. “Is it controversial? Yes. The naming of it, I don’t get it. I sometimes wonder in this age of reality shows has it become part of the language–the more controversy the more [buzz] it creates. But yeah, I didn’t like it. Slave does not make it ethnic. Mind you, it’s not lost in translation–the word slave, we know what it is. They might as well have called them “n***** earrings.” For somebody like Franca Sozzani, who did that whole black issue for Vogue, somebody should have said something.”

This!

Back To School…Finally!

With The Pack Kids’ respective hair temp-faded and candy curled, book bags packed, supply lists adhered to, new clothes ironed and laid out, breakfast menu prepped, lunches stored and morning time-off request submitted, I can now breathe a sigh of relief, as it appears that the bulk of my back to school preparedness duties are complete!

But I’m not merely happy because if I get to bed now, I can still snatch about five hours of beauty sleep. No, this semi-permanent cheshire grin on my face is due to the fact that my children are back to reality! No more sleeping until noon, lounging around in pj’s throughout the day, eating up all the food and racking up $300 electric bills because they have yet to find a Nickelodeon show or PS3 video game that they do not like!

No mas! It’s time for my little couch potatoes to get up out of my house and navigate back through the halls of academia! And yes, I am sure there are those who believe my over-enthusiasm has more to do with me simply hating because while my kids were relishing their summer vacation, I had to work these past three months, but to them I say…heck, who am I kidding; of course I’m hating!! Do you know how pleasant and amenable I’d be if I had a two month summer vacation every year!? I’m talking, no road rage, not one rude outbursts to those accursed telemarketers who call during dinnertime and I’d even turn a blind eye to my honey for leaving the toilet seat up!

Yeah kiddies, welcome back to reality…with the rest of us!

Batten Down the Hatches: East Coast Quaking

I honestly thought I was going to be considered certifiable today!

Myself and three of my co-workers thought we were loco in the coco when while chatting it up at work today, one of our executive’s desk began shaking.  When our receptionist went in to feel it, then sit on, she too confirmed the vibrating nature of the desk.

Upon further inspection (gotta love the instantaneousness of the internet), we learned from our local news and CNN that a 5.8 magnitude earthquake was felt from New York to as far south as North Carolina!

Umm…yeah.

I understand tectonic shifts and fault lines and such, but let me speak candidly for just a second.  When deciding to settle down and take up roots, I purposely didn’t decide upon the Left Coast, and for this very reason!!!!

At this point, I am just trying to figure out what continent sits upon the least number of tectonic plates, because if anomalies like these keep up, it may be time for me and The Pack Household to there, sheesh!

Seriously though, did any of my Northeast/Mid-Atlantic readers feel this quake or its subsequent tremors and after-shocks?  Did you feel vindicated when the news outlets confirmed it and your friends and family had to apologize for calling you crazy?  With yesterday’s strong quake in Colorado and today’s assault on the I-95 corridor, did any of you originally think it was The Rapture?

Spare the Rod, Rotten Toddler

I can always count on my mom and the Baby Child to humor me when I need it most.

Coming home from work yesterday, my mom peeked out from my kitchen and thanked me for finally coming home. “Your child was the worst today!” Snatching up her bag and cellphone, she fussed over her shoulder that he refused to take his nap and that he was sassing her all day.

I tried to express to my mom that the Baby Child always got away with murder with her because she refused to properly discipline him and she knew it.  Sputtering, she told me that she popped him regularly when he misbehaved, then she called in the Big Girl to confirm it.

After me and the Big Girl laughed at her attempt to convince us that she was a disciplinarian, my mom stomped her foot and huffed away.  A few moments later, the Baby Child came bounding into the kitchen (clearly at her cajoling) and prepared to set the record straight:

“Hi Mom-ma. Yayah spanked me 49 times today!”

I don’t know what’s worse; a fibbing toddler or the influence of his ridiculous grandmother!

*Hand Clap* Me and You, Us Never Part

“Me and you, us never part. Makidada. Me and you, us have one heart. Makidada. Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea. Makidada. Keep my sister away from me.”

As apparent as it is that The Color Purple is one of my ALL TIME favorite movies, this post has little if anything to do with Celie and Nettie.  I only referenced their singsong rhyme to point out that barring my ascension to The Pearly Gates, there isn’t a whole lot that would keep me from chatting with you guys via The Fanny Pack.

Unfortunately, my mini-hiatus this month has had a lot to do with some physical health circumstances.  A few weeks back, I was once again sidelined with migraines and some other funky stuff that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but that I knew wasn’t quite right and had me feeling some kinda way!  Deciding that I had to go back to the doctors once again, and not leave there until I got some satisfactory answers, I ended up with even more tests, blood work, detailed analysis and enough poking and prodding to last two lifetimes.

And while I have seen and spoken to my primary care physician multiple times this week, she still wants to treat and retest me due to her immense displeasure at my original results.  Still, with my health (physical and mental), real life and the other daily goings-on that keep me busy nonstop, I just wanted to take a second to let you  guys know that I’ve not forgotten about you, and that you all coming to The Pack to allow me to decompress is always the highlight of my day!