No, my bedroom wasn’t fire bombed, that’s the Olympic Flame, courtesy of my Blackberry’s itsy bitsy pixeled camera. And, before you ask: Blogging By Phone.
So, seeing as how I am enjoying the dizzying effects of men’s Short Track Speed Skating, the roulette-ish danger of Bobsledding and the death-wish thrills of Alpine Downhill Skiing (all from the comfort of my own home thank you kindly), I figured that instead of not blogging all together, I’d try out this app and see if it really does allow me to post a piece from my phone.
How does it look? Should I just stick to my daily rantings via my desktop or laptop? Or is it seamless enough that I can blog now from anywhere??? Which would be excellent, because I’ve always wanted to on-the-spot rant in Walmart about that horrible cashier/bagger that ALWAYS puts my eggs in with the three pound bag of apples. ALWAYS!
Anyway, no more stalling, I’m about to press “Publish”. I won’t be able to see the full results until morning, so here’s hoping!
I couldn’t even get over 72 hours of food poisoning (hence my lack of blogging over the course of the past few days) before I was once again sick to my stomach. Fortunately, this nausea was not at the hands of some raucous Moo Goo Gui Pan; it did however leave a similar putrid aftertaste in my mouth thanks to an equally gross weepy adult entertainment professional.
Although I spent half of my weekend ardently asking Jesus why he had forsaken me and the other half laid prostrate before the porcelain prince that is Kohler, I was still able to catch my favorite jungle cat’s international apology for his multiple sexcapades, marital transgressions and the idiotic and illogical belief that the “rules [simply] did not apply to him” while I munched on some tummy settling Saltines to rectify my food poisoning turned bubble guts (oh c’mon, we’re all family here right?).
Too bad my “I-couldn’t-care-less, you-don’t-owe-ME-an-apology, save-that-solemn-face-for-Elin” attitude was not the global consensus once Tiger Woods’ “I’ll vaguely talk about what I did, just don’t ask me any questions about it” masterpiece statement was complete. Oh no! In fact, there were those who thought that El Tigre’s “apology” was severely lacking, and should have encompassed not only more specifics, but their names as well.
Before the Contrite One could finish his statement with a slightly audible “thank you” in closing and a brief search for his mother for an obviously necessary hug (striking a rather impressive standing fetal position in the process), Attorney Gloria Allred was on another frequency raining down fire and brimstone on Woods, and solidifying the kind of 15 minutes of legal fame that would have made the zoot-suited Johnny Cochran whistle in amazement.
Representing Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James aka one of Tiger’s red-headed-step-children jump off’s, Allred tore into the golf star for wanting to make amends for his behavior, yet not taking the time to apologize to Veronica/Joslyn/Jump-off by name. She continued her tirade by highlighting that Woods and Veronica/Joslyn/Jump-off had been in a three year relationship and read some rather racy texts messages from Tiger to prove it. The best part of Allred’s legal diatribe though, (yes, it gets better) came when she clung to the hand of the crying Veronica/Joslyn/Jump-off as she described how because of Tiger’s jealous nature, Veronica/Joslyn/Jump-off had to give up her occupation and sole source of income as a “professional lady” of the adult variety.
A blubbering Veronica/Joslyn/Jump-off then came to the mic explaining how she’d be agreeable to a telephone apology from Woods, how she had a lot to deal with because of him, how it didn’t have to come to this and that while she never meant to cause his wife and kids pain, she couldn’t help falling in love with him.
So, I would cross examine both these loons, but why bother? I will not waste my time and even validate the demands of a delusional attorney and her clearly schizophrenic client, as I would much rather discuss biological warfare with Prince Kohler than give any credence to the imagined plight of this woman!